I went to my first therapist appointment today. I was pretty anxious going into it but came out feeling a bit better that I can be treated for depression and anxiety. My therapist said that I had a lot of grief issues, both from my Dad's death and from all the crap M has put me through. (More about him later) I honestly wasn't surprised because I haven't been able to really put it past me to the point that I don't feel lost without him. He talked to me a lot about how I can overcome things and I can put things behind me.
I've found a lot lately that I've lost a lot of motivation to do normal things that I usually love. I work at a job that isn't glamorous but I love it and I love my co workers. But lately, I just really have to convince myself to go and put on a happy face. It's hard for me to pretend all the time that everything is fine. It's also been hard for me to find the motivation to exercise. I used to go all the time but now all I want to do is sleep. But the therapist said that the medication should help me return to normal. Let's hope that he's right.
Now, about M. He and I used to work together and did so for almost two years. He was let go in January because of a lay off. I was honestly very relieved. He and I had a very unhealthy relationship and I was extremely depressed about it and still am. M was very open about the fact that he drinks a lot and that he likes to mess with girls just to get what he wants: sex. And I was certainly no exception. He never got that much from me but he still tried very hard and pushed me to things I wasn't pleased with. He and I would be talking and he would say comments that were very hurtful and I think mentally abusive. I keep thinking that if I had said something to one of my bosses, things would have stopped. And I wouldn't have to live in fear of him; I wouldn't have to fear that he would find where I live and finish what he started. It's been very difficult for me to move past this relationship. I have stayed away from him and I'm grateful for that. But I still have a fear that he will find me and we will go back to the way it was before. I'm hoping that he and I never see each other again and that he will be able to deal with what happened and accept his responsibility.
I did have a very good holiday weekend. I was able to be with my family and best friend. Although I was dealing with a lot and very grumpy, I had fun. I love my family a lot and find myself missing them a lot more as I get older. It was very hard for me to come back to the real world and go back to the adult problems. But such is life and I will eventually be able to handle them without being overwhelmed.
I have found that writing this is very good for me. It's easier for me to write how I feel rather than to tell someone. My mom mentioned to me that she is sorry that she isn't the mom I need. I don't feel that's the case at all. I just feel that I need a little more "Mom and Erica" time and that falls upon both of us. I am able to show her now who I really am and how I've dealt with specific circumstances. I'm trying to be completely honest with myself and others in this blog and I hope that I'm succeeding. My brother and I are both dealing with depression and we are both writing blogs. I think it is helping each other but more helping ourselves to heal and realize that we aren't alone.
That's all for now. I don't have much else on my mind. I hope that this blog is helping someone, even if that person is myself.
Good for you Erica. Sometimes just getting it out of your system via writting is theraputic. It helps to write it down and look at it from a different point of view. And you're right, you're not alone. You have family and friends that love you. You have a Father in heaven that loves you. At times its hard to feel that but just know you are never alone.
ReplyDeleteDepression is a tough thing to deal with. A broken arm, people can see and understand. Because depression can be directed inward it's not always easy for people to understand. Keep up the therapy - and the writing. Both are great things for you.
I love you. If you ever need me I'm a phone call away. I'll always listen and I'll never judge.
Amen to what Christina said. There is something about being family that makes you feel protective of each other and I feel the same for you. You will be in our thoughts and prayers Erica. Way to be so brave and honest in verbally and mentally embracing your feelings. I admire you in many ways and I know that you will be blessed in your life because of how sweet (and a million other things) you are.
ReplyDeleteErica, I know how hard it is for you. As you know, I'm dealing with my own personal hell as well. I have decided to go see a counselor, just like you. I'll be doing that next week, probably.
ReplyDeleteKeep focusing on the positive. I've found that's really helped me. Thinking about the problems in life only makes things worse and doesn't accomplish anything. I know that's hard to do (it has been for me) but please try. Also, as Christina and Andrea said, there are lots of people who love you and want the best for you. We may not verbalize it as much as we should, but we're here.
As you told me last night, we'll get through this together! :o)