Sometimes you have to jump in head first

I've been thinking a lot about the changes that have happened in my life the past few years. I'm honestly really scared to make a lot of changes, but most of them have proved to be for the best.

I think the best change I've made is getting a place of my own. I still live with my best friend, but it's just us. We've had some wonderful roommates in the past that I love but we have discussed in the past that we just need our own space. This last school year has not been fun for us. We had one roommate that we got along with pretty well and we still talk to her. But the other roommate was difficult. We have known her since our freshman year at USU and thought it would be a good idea to live together. Well, that was far from a good idea. Almost from the beginning, we experienced tension in the apartment. It was very difficult to live like that. I hated coming home from work because I knew what waited for me. In February, everything pretty much came to blows. We stopped talking at that point and haven't talked since. She moved out in March and it was such a relief to see her stuff gone. It took a huge burden off both me and my roommate. She blamed me for a lot that went on and I know I do have some responsibilty but she seemed to think she was a perfect roommate and didn't do anything wrong. So after that disaster, we moved into a 2 bedroom townhome. It has been such a blessing for both of us. We both have our own rooms, which is nice when we need that "me" time. But we've also been able to talk to each other a lot easier and not have to worry about other roommates. We still have our problems and fight but I think we are both grateful that we moved.

Because we moved, our ward has also changed. We haven't gone to the new ward because we aren't quite ready yet. But as I was talking to a good friend before sacrament meeting, he suggested that we go try it out. He said that he would also be in that ward because he moved a while ago. It really scared me and I started to have a panic attack about it. I thought at multiple times the past few months that I was ready to do it, but when it came down to it, I got sick to my stomach. Then, a few hours later, our ward boundaries were redone and a new ward was added to our stake. It was like all this change just came at me and I felt overwhelmed. But as I got to thinking more about trying this new ward, I got more used to the idea. I would know my roommate and this other friend, which made me feel better. I still have a lot of anxiety about it and I'm not quite sure how I feel but I have to jump in head first and try it out.

The hardest change for me the past five years has been my family dynamic. Losing my dad was very hard and I still struggle with it. My Mom and I have gotten to know each other better but I don't think either of us is where we want to be. My oldest brother and I have gotten very close, especially the past few weeks. We text each other a lot and we are helping each other through very hard times right now. My other brother and I are pretty close, but not how I want to be. I know that he is always there for me and I appreciate that. His wife and I are also pretty close. She's been such a blessing in my life and I am grateful every day for her. I do have an older sister but I don't really know what to say at this point about her. She and I have never been close, and I wish that would change. She did some very hurtful things to me as a child, none of which my parents or siblings know about. She lives in another state, which has been good. But she comes home for Thanksgiving. To be honest, I HATE being home when she's there. I always come back to Logan feeling left out and unloved. If she's there, the only reason I go home is to make my Mom happy. But even that sometimes isn't a good enough reason to be there. I have always felt that she hated me for something. Maybe the fact that my Dad treated me better than he did her. Maybe she wanted to be the only girl. I'm not sure I'll ever know. I hope that one day, she will deal with her problems and try to repair our relationship. Often when I'm asked if I have a sister, I just say I have a step sister, which is true. It's hard for me to say I have a sister when she's never acted like it. I've kept a lot of things that she has done quiet for fear that people will come to her defense without really listening to me (which happens very often in my family). I really only hope that we can at least be civil with each other, which never happens. I know that's hard on my siblings and Mom, but my sister made decisions that have prevented us being civil. She is still my sister, and we both have to come to terms with that.

I feel like the other biggest change for me has been my testimony. I know my brothers and Mom will never understand this but I do love the LDS church. I don't agree with everything they do, but I have come to accept that it's the people, not the Savior that does those things. My testimony isn't as strong as I wish it were, but I'm improving. It has been such a hard fight for me to keep it. I can't understand how some people don't have a faith in God, or a higher power. I don't have all the answers, but I do know that He is there. I've seen His tender mercies daily, and seen the miracles in my life. I've been praying a lot lately that I will be able to overcome this disease and be able to see the Lord more in my life. I had a very personal experience almost a year ago that has proved to me that He is there and He knows how much pain I've been in. I've had to work so hard at keeping my testimony and faith, but it has paid off. I know that not everyone wants to be a member of the church, and that's fine. But for me, I couldn't live without it.

One experience happened to me about a week and a half ago that I've pondered a lot about. My roommate and I were going to Central Utah to be with my family for a few days. Before we left, we were able to go to the Oquirrh Mountain Temple Open House. Earlier that day, I was feeling very depressed and hopeless. I was searching for peace and I just wanted my pain to go away. As she and I were watching the video, I felt calm for the first time in months. As we were walking through the temple, I had an overwhelming peace come over me. I knew everything would be okay. I really thought the new few days about that and how good I felt. I was almost in tears at one point because I knew that things would work out, even though I couldn't see it then. I know that peace I felt was because of where I was. I was able to reflect on how much my Heavenly Father loves me, and it was so overwhelming. I've spent many nights in constant prayer for some direction in my life and I finally had the answer I needed. It was a very special experience for me and I hope to be able to remember that always. As I prepare now to go to the temple, I know the peace I can get there. I'm looking forward to doing that and sharing that experience with my friends and family.

Well, it's getting very late and I should have been asleep about two hours ago. But I feel better now that I've been able to get some stuff off of my chest.