A little bit of me

So I've recently decided to start a blog. I'm not that interesting by any means so I may not have much to say. But it's hopefully going to be very therapeutic for me. Let me start off by explaining a little bit of what I've been through in the past year or so....this may end up being very long though, so bear with me.

About a year ago, I started to feel that something was wrong with me. I was losing a lot more hair than normal and my menstral cycle wasn't normal (sorry to gross anyone out). I was starting to worry and talked to my Mom. She suggested I go see a gyno and find out. I did and was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. I don't know a lot about this so I'm just going off what I've experienced. It's very painful to have my period and it's very hard for me to get pregnant. That has been extrememly hard for me to deal with. I've always wanted to be a Mom but have started to come to the realization that I might not ever have that blessing. Another huge effect of this syndrome is that I have facial hair where only men have it (neck, face, etc). It's quite embarrassing to have that. Although I've learned to hide it better, it's still quite noticeable.

In the same appointment, I was also diagnosed with Alopecia atracia (not sure on the spelling). For those that don't know, alopecia is a hair loss disease. Not a lot is known about it; what causes it, how to prevent it, etc. One of the first things I was told about it was that it is more an emotional disease than a physical disease. And let me tell you, it's true! I had very thick hair growing up and now I don't have it. It's starting to grow back a lot better because of a shampoo that I'm using but it will never go back to what it was. It's extremely difficult for me to live with this. I have been told I look like a cancer patient; I've been told I'm bald. I see and feel the stares. It is very hard to be a female and be going bald. It has been a daily struggle for me and I hope it gets better.

Which leads me to my main point. I went home last weekend to celebrate my niece's birthday. My mom and I started to talk and I completely broke down. I have depression running on both sides of my family so I'm pretty much doomed. I tend to keep things in and let them build. We talked a lot about things I have dealt with and my anxiety. I am always anxious about very simple things and it has started to take over my life. So she and I talked about things and how I was feeling and she pleaded with me to call a doctor. I did on Monday and started on Zoloft. It made me very nauseous in the beginning but it is starting to improve. Time will only tell. I think the hardest part for me was admitting that I needed help. I'm just glad my Mom understood what I've been going through. I know that overcoming depression is a long process and I hope this blog will help me to heal. I start to see a counselor tomorrow so this is a start.

Maybe giving a little background on me will help readers to understand me. I went through a lot of things that people my age don't deal with very often, aside from medical problems. My parents divorced when I was 12 which has been hard on me. I hated the fact that I had to listen to my parents put each other down. And I felt a lot like my Mom resented me because I'm a lot like my Dad. But she's come to realize that I'm not him. All in all, I have dealt with it pretty well. I'm glad my Mom remarried because my stepdad has been very good for this family. I've grateful for him and how happy he makes my Mom.

When I was a senior in high school, my Father died of cancer. It was EXTREMELY hard on me and still is. He didn't even see me graduate from high school and go to college. I have always been a daddy's girl so I've taken it pretty hard. But I've learned a lot from that. I'm a lot stronger than I thought. I haven't been to his grave in years because I simply can't bring myself to do that. It's not how I want to remember him. I think I'm just scared of him not being able to talk back to me. I always felt like it wasn't fair for me to lose my father at such a young age and pretty much be forced to deal with such adult issues. Even now, I find his death very unfair but I feel like I can have some sort of peace to know he's not in pain anymore.

One of the hardest things I've dealt with the past few years is my family. I love my Mom more than anything in the world and I can't tell her that enough. She struggled a lot with me when I was born and has seen me through some very difficult things. But I feel very robbed of some very basic things. My mom isn't one to shop and go out to dinner (basically the girl things). And I love to do those things very much. So we don't really know each other very well. It's been hard for me to not have a very close relationship with her and show her who I really am. I know she does the best she can and I can't ask for more. She's the best mom she knows how to be and I couldn't ask for a better one! I just wish she and I could do those simple things that mothers and daughters do. I am eternally grateful to my mother for everything! She makes me laugh and helps me see to realize that I can't always do things on my own. She's been very patient with me which has helped me more than she'll ever know. I know I have been a difficult daughter at times but she has shown unconditional love. I only hope that if I become a mom, I can be half as good as she has been. Her husband and I haven't always gotten along but I have come to love him. He cracks me up and helps me with things. I know it hasn't been easy for him to have a step daughter like me but I'm grateful for what he's done for our family.

Now my brothers. I have two brothers. The oldest brother and I are a lot alike in the fact that we both struggle with depression. We text each other a lot and I am truly grateful for that. He also has a blog that I've read and I'm honestly surprised at things. He is a great brother and I can't imagine my life without him. He has a sense of humor that I've never seen in anyone. We don't always see eye to eye but we love each other. He has helped me to deal with things in ways that no one else has.

Okay, this is where things get difficult. The other brother. Don't get me wrong; I love my brother. I just have a lot to say about him. He has a wonderful wife and three very cute kids. His wife has been very good for me and for him. She has two little sisters that I love as my own. But sometimes I feel like my brother treats them more like sisters than he does me. He and I only really only talk on Sundays and he talks to them a lot. Granted, he sees them more. But I feel left out sometimes. I don't really remember saying "I love you" to each other, which is difficult. I know he loves me but I need to hear it sometimes. He travels a bit for his job and ends up in Logan occasionally. I usually don't find out until after he leaves and sometimes that leaves some hurt feelings. I would honestly be okay if he would just call me and ask to see me for 5 minutes. I know he has a family and a job but sometimes, I need my brother. I do love him with all my heart but I sometimes feel very left behind. Now, let me explain his wife. She has been an extremely influential person in my life. She was the sister that I always needed. Recently, I spent a few hours with her, my best friend, and nieces. It was honestly more fun than I've had in a long time. She is always there for me when I need it and helps me to see things I don't always want to. I'm so glad that my brother married her!

My brother has three wonderful children. The oldest brings so much joy to my life. She is the reason I have the web address "erica-uh". She called me that when she was little and it just stuck. Themiddle child is just a ball of fire. My nephew is the baby and he is the biggest stud I've ever seen. It just melts my heart when I see him smile.

Now on to my best friend. She and I have been through a lot! We've been roommates a long time and we now live by ourselves. She is also dealing with depression. I have come to realize a lot lately that I'm very hard on her. And I feel remorseful for that. She has helped me through my dad's death and laughed with me through the tears. I can't say enough about how much I love her and look up to her!

Well, I'm starting to ramble on so I guess I'll just continue this tomorrow. I hope this blog helps my family to get to know me and understand me a little more. But my ultimate goal is to start healing from depression and overcome my obstacles.