Contemplating the last few days...

So I've had a pretty hard few days. I'm starting to question whether or not these pills really are working. Maybe it's because my hormones are all out of whack this week, I'm not sure. But last night, the depression got worse than it has in a long time. I started to get very quiet and the loneliness started to set in. It really caught me off guard. I was doing so well last week, and I feel like I had a total set back. And all day today, I've been the same way: moody, depressed, tired, etc. I'm really confused because I started to improve. One of my coworkers suggested I talk to my doctor when I go in next week and see if my period has anything to do with this, or if it's just normal PMS and I'll feel better when this week is over. It's been hard for me to feel like I'm taking a turn for the worst.

Lately, I've been pretty homesick also. I don't live too far from my family, but far enough that I don't see them a lot. I've done pretty well the past few years but I've had overwhelming homesickness the past two months or so. I want to just go home and be with my Mom and siblings, but my work prevents that. I just want to be able to go home and cry to my Mom about boys and also laugh with my siblings. I miss my nieces and nephew more than anything. I've thought about moving back to Salt Lake to be closer to them but I've had mixed feelings about it. Let me tell you why.

I have absolutely loved my time at Utah State University. I'm not so fond of Logan anymore but I love USU, if that makes sense. I no longer go to school because of finances, but I am very hopeful that I will go back soon. My roommate and I went up to campus today and walked around a little bit. I miss it so much! I have had so many good memories there and it would be hard to leave. Plus, USU has one of the best FCHD programs in the nation. Because of being homesick, I've thought about moving to Salt Lake and finishing my education down there. There are a lot of schools down there but I don't feel good about any of them. I have considered the U but really don't want to go there. And no, it's not because I'm an Aggie and always will be. It's such a big school and quite expensive. I've considered YBU but seriously? I'd get kicked out. I am Mormon but I do my own thing. I could not have a curfew; I never have had one. And I don't think very highly of their honor code; I would rather do what I think is best and not be told what I can and cannot wear. I wouldn't last very long there. So about the only school left is UVU. But that is a pretty long commute. So I feel stuck. I want to stay at USU but I can't handle Logan much longer.

I've been going to a therapist for the past three weeks and I'm pretty satisfied. He's helped me see things from a different perspective and helped me to embrace my anxiety. He'll be gone the next two weeks, so he gave me an assignment to work on: write M a letter. I have mixed feelings about it. He doesn't want me to give it to him, as that wouldn't be productive. But the point of it is to tell him goodbye and express my feelings and hurt. I think it is a good idea but I'm not quite sure what to say. I need that closure with M. I need to forget about him and live my life without him. I just get so angry sometimes thinking about him and the crap he put me through. But I also wish the best for him, as weird as that is. Do I want to get back together with him? Absolutely not. But do I want him to be happy, even though he may not deserve it? Yes. I've finally realized that I'm so much better off without him, which makes my family and roommmate relieved, I'm sure. So I'm hoping that this letter will provide me that closure that I so desperately need. Overall, my therapist has done a lot of good. I've been able to sort out some feelings and I've also been able to feel safe talking about them.

I guess my point in this post is just that I feel like I'm taking a turn for the worst with the meds. I know I should give it more time since I'm still pretty new to it, but it's hard to do that. Like I've said before, it could be that my hormones are all over the place. I'm hoping things start to improve and my doctor can figure things out and I'll start to feel better.