How do others react to depression?

I've been thinking a lot lately about how those around me are dealing with my depression, and I'm honestly confused. For the most part, I've had a lot of support from family and friends. But I haven't received any support from the people I need it from most, and that surprises me. Mainly, two friends from high school. The first is one of the first best friends I've ever had. She's marrried now and has a baby but it seems like nothing else matters to her. She doesn't seem to know or care what I'm going through. I understand that she has a family now but she still has friends that need her. I thought she would be one of the first people to say how much she loved me but I obviously think too much of her. The second person is one I went to high school with also. She is one of those people that probably doesn't know what to say. But I know her support is there.

One person that I've thought a lot about is my Mom. I know that it's hard for her to have two kids with pretty bad depression. It's hard for her to divide her time between us, her other two children, grandchildren, husband, and work. She works two jobs and I'm in awe of the strength she has to do that. I really wish I could convey to her how much she means to me. I know that she is having a hard time with this and I wish I could help her somehow. Or maybe tell her to worry more about my brother. It's been on my mind a lot.

I think the person affected most by this is my roommate. She is going through the same thing I am. But we certainly deal with it in different ways. She and I went to dinner tonight and were talking about how much depression really hurts. We both expressed that we know we aren't alone in this but yet we feel so alone. The thing that bothers me the most about what we talked about is that she said she's sorry she didn't see the depresison. I don't blame her one bit. I think I hid it so well with her that she couldn't see it. I wish I knew what to say to her to make her believe that I don't blame her. It's been a crazy ride for both of us but I know we will get through this together.

One thing that has really been weighing on my mind is how depression is seen in our society. I know we have come a long way but still have a long ways to go. I'm so sick and tired of people saying, "Oh, you just want attention. You're just looking for the bad in things." I'm not! Depression is a disease and it completely takes over. It's so hard sometimes to be happy when you have an overwhelming feeling of loneliness. And I'm not wanting attention. I'm screaming out for help!!! Don't just hear what I'm saying; listen to me!!!!

I think especially in the LDS culture, we tend to think that anything can be healed with faith and prayer. But prayer and faith doesn't cure everything. Often times, we need medical help to cure mental issues. I understand that faith and prayer can help me better deal with the depression but they alone cannot cure it. It's very hard for me to be around people at church that are always happy when inside, I'm wondering what's wrong with me. But I've come more to understand that nothing is wrong with me. I wish people without depression understood that it isn't something that can be easily overcome.

I went to an appointment with my bishop last night. It was honestly a relief to talk to him. He's been so loving and understanding towards me. He helped me to remember that I'm not alone. And that this can be cured. It's nice to have a bishop that I trust enough to talk to and know I won't be judged. I am so grateful he was called to be my bishop. I wasn't happy with the bishop before him and was very ready to switch wards. But this bishop has been so good for both me and Charity. He said one thing to me that has really stuck with me. He said that depression is disease. I can overcome this. I can be cured. It is possible. It gave me a little hope for the future.

I'm starting to prepare to go through the temple. At first, I wasn't very hopeful that my stake president would let me go through. But I was told last night that we just needed to monitor my behavior a little longer and then assess the situation from there. That made me less worried about things. I just need to do the things I know are right and things will take care of themselves.

I am definitely very grateful that I have the wonderful support from my friends and family. I work with a girl that has been very good with me. She and I spend a lot of time together during the day and I didn't quite know how she would react when she found out about everything. But she has been so loving and caring. She has helped me to laugh and she has mentioned multiple times that she is always here for me. It's been such a blessing to have her in my life. I've received a lot of love in the past few days. I'm so grateful for it!

Now about how I am dealing. I feel so lonely and hopeless lately. I have thought so many times that I don't want to live like this anymore. I'm sick and tired of the pain. I don't want to be unhappy all the time. I don't always have bad days but it's hard to find a silver lining sometimes. I am reaching out more to my Mom, which has helped both of us. But I just want to get rid of the pain and hopelessness. I'm not thinking suicide but trying to find another way out. I know I need to be patient and give the medication time to work but I'm finding it difficult. I'm hoping that things do improve and that I will be able to also help my brother. I don't know what to say to him. He has it worse than I do but I still know what it's like. I wish he could be able to not have so much pain but I can't find a way to do that. I hope that he reads this and understands that I am always here and we will get through this together.

This is a lot longer than I anticipated. And a lot more scatter brained. I apologize for that but I have a lot on my mind.