So it's been quite a while since I've written in here. Most of the reason is because I have been busy. But I also didn't have a lot of motivation to do it. It's been a pretty hard month for me, and I'm starting to feel it. To start off, I am now attending a new ward. It's been a really hard transition for me, and for my roommate as well. It's very hard for me to attend a ward where I don't know many people and I don't know the bishop. I've only gone a few times so that's probably why it's so hard. I need to just go and get it over with.
Another thing that has been stressing me out is that my hair is falling out again. My doctor said that it will do that for a while because alopecia works in a cycle; it falls out, grows back, etc. He told me that I just need to keep using the shampoo I've been using and to also really watch my stress levels. I'm trying to not let things get to me so easily, but being a girl, that's hard. I guess this is something that I will have to just deal with because my hair will always be falling out.
As my therapist and I have continued meeting, he and I have discovered that I have a lot of trust issues. I do understand that and recognize that. I don't trust men easily because of M and also because of a bishop I had from May 2006-October 2008. He and I didn't get along very well at all. Some things he said to me in appointments and in general were so far beyond appropriate. I always felt so uncomfortable with him, even if he was around me in church or activies. I did like him sometimes but the longer we knew each other, the more animosity I had towards him. I saw him a few weeks ago in town and just panicked. I talked to him for a few minutes but I didn't feel quite right. I'm hoping that I can work through these trust issues and be able to strengthen some relationships.
Not much has gone on with M. He and I aren't speaking, which is a blessing. I hope to never see him again. I am still working to move past what happened.
About three weeks ago, I had a total breakdown. I think most of it was that I wasn't sleeping. I remember crying hysterically on a Wednesday night and crying the whole way to work the next day. I told my boss what was going on and the thoughts I was having and she was hesitant to let me go home. After convincing her that I would be okay by myself, I went home. I slept most of the day and also got a lot of tears and frustrations out. I have never had something like that happen and it scared me. I went back to my doctor and he increased my antidepressants and gave me sleeping pills, which I was very grateful for.
I'm hoping that things start to improve for me sometime. I feel like I'm fighting an uphill, losing battle. It sucks but I hope that I can get through it.
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