So it's been a while since I wrote in here. To say the least, I've been very busy. I usually keep myself entertained pretty well but all of a sudden, I don't have a lot of free time. My birthday was last week. I can honestly say that it was one of the best birthdays I've ever had. My roommate and I went down to Central Utah to spend time with my Mom and step dad. (We did get there safely other than almost getting rear ended. Jerk.) My roommate and I were able to relax and just chill, which I think we both needed. We were also able to ride the 4 wheelers, and that was very fun. I wish we could have stayed there longer, but the real world was knocking on my door.
Monday was my actual birthday and it was so much fun! I had so many people say "happy birthday" to me and I really felt the love from friends and family. I was able to go to dinner and miniature golf with some friends, including a former roommate that left this week to prepare for a mission. I had tons of fun with them! After we were done there, I met a few more friends at a local frozen yogurt shop to finish the celebration. We just talked about random things and I really couldn't have spent my time in a better way. I got some very good gifts but that wasn't important to me. I just wanted to have a birthday where I wasn't so worried about things and I definitely got my wish. Thank you so much to my friends and family! I love you all so much!
So things with M have definitely been dramatic. He text me almost two weeks ago and asked if we could talk about things. I have very mixed feelings about it, so I thought a lot about it. I eventually decided I would give him the benefit of the doubt and at least listen to what he had to say. I figured I could be honest with him for once about how I've felt the last year or so. Overall, we did have a good conversation. I was able to tell him how hurt I've been because of some of the things he has said to me. He did apologize for it, although I don't feel that he was very sincere. He mentioned to me that he was going to start an internship with my therapist. Understandably, I panicked. It was almost a week before I would be able to talk to my therapist about it, so I stressed pretty bad. As the week wore on, I began to wonder if he was lying about it, which wouldn't have surprised me at all. Finally, the day came where I was able to talk to the therapist. As I told him what M said, he looked at me like I was an alien; he had no idea what I was talking about. I came out of the appointment pretty angry. So the next day, I confronted M about it, which was probably not a good idea looking back. He got very defensive and we got in a pretty big fight, which wasn't abnormal while we were together. He called me fat and bald for the 2nd time, which was very upsetting. So I came to the conclusion that I needed to change my number. Now. I did get it changed a few days ago and I feel a lot better about it. I am really sad because I loved that number, but it was for the best. Matt doesn't have my new number and I'm doing everything I can to prevent that from happening.
That brings me to something else I want to talk about. Why call someone fat and bald? Hello! I already know that I need to lose weight. But I don't deserve to be called bald. I lost my hair through no fault of my own. It has been a very devastating experience for me. I'm very slowly getting my hair and thickness back, but I don't think I will ever really get it back the way it was. For me to hear someone call me bald is not something that is easy for me to forgive. To be a girl and lose hair is not something that should happen. Don't bring attention to it; I already struggle enough with it. I wish so bad that M could understand how much his words have hurt me in the past. I am so sick and tired of the verbal and mental abuse. I am the kind of girl that will usually fight back when someone is being mean, thanks to my dad and brothers. But with M, I couldn't bring myself to do it. I was terrified of things getting physical. I still am to a point. I still live in fear of him, and I shouldn't have to live with that. I have a lot to work through with my therapist to be able to overcome the pain of M's words and actions. I'm hoping one day I can just forget about what he said to me, but I know it will be a long time.
Overall, things have started to improve, although I still really struggle with the anxiety. I had a horrible panic attack yesterday that never seemed to go away. I'm not quite sure what brought it on, but oh man it was terrible. I couldn't concentrate on anything, I couldn't stop moving, I couldn't breathe right. I eventually had to sleep it off last night. I did see my bishop for a few minutes which helped a little bit. But sometimes, I just have to let the anxiety run its course. I've never had a panic attack last that long, which scared me a bit. I had a doctor's appointment this week, so I'll be talking to him about it. I know it scared my roommate too because they never last that long, or are that bad. It really scared me, which probably made the anxiety worse. I hate living with it because when I have a panic attack, it is all I can think about. It takes over my life. I'm hoping I can be given something to help me.
The Christmas before my dad died, he and his sisters made me a huge blanket. I've slept with it almost every night since. It's starting to wear out, and I've been very sad about it. I got a very cute blanket from my roommate for my birthday, so I decided to retire the blanket from my dad. It's been kind of a hard thing for me. I have slept pretty well, but it's hard to part with it. I won't through it away, as it has a lot of meaning for me. But I miss sleeping with it!
I hope that writing this all out will eventually help me to heal from my past. I am also hoping this helps someone heal from the depression they suffer from.
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