It's been quite a few weeks for me. I've started attending a new ward but have not really talked to the bishop. I am really attached to my bishop from my old ward so I was scared about how the new bishop would deal with all my mental illnesses. Well, on Tuesday, I met with the new bishop. I was very nervous going in, but it wasn't as bad as I expected. He actually turned out to be a very kind person. I told him a little bit about my fear of crowds and he said that he would be more than happy to work with me on that and he understood. He also said that he would give me father's blessings when I needed it, which was a huge relief. I walked away from that appointment with a very good feeling about him and the new ward. I know that I still have a pretty hard adjustment ahead of me but I think I can do it.
Another big thing for me is my alopecia. I've started to lose hair again, which has been stressful. When I get stressed, my hair falls out even more. So it's a never ending cycle. I went to my therapist's office on Monday and we were talking about how my hair just isn't coming back anymore. My medical doctor suggested I go to this hair specialist in Salt Lake. He told me a little bit of the other treatments I can do. But probably not much. Most of the treatments are very pricey, which my Mom and I aren't happy about. The only option besides those is hair transplant surgery. I know that my Mom really doesn't want me to do it, because of the money and time it would take to recover. But I'm honestly to the point where I don't care how expensive it is. I'm so sick and tired of having bald spots. I just want to feel normal again. I want so badly to be able to just take care of this problem once and for all and I feel like this surgery is the only way to do that. I know that my Mom doesn't want me to do it, so I'm having to look at other options. I'm trying so hard to not get stressed about it, but I think it's inevitable. I'm really trying to stay positive but I find myself getting deeper and deeper into not being happy with myself. Not a lot of people know that it bothers me, but I've always kept a smile on my face, even though I'm dying inside.
I've recently learned that my Mom's mom wants to have a family reunion next July for her birthday. She wants everyone to go to the temple. Honestly, I have such mixed feelings about it. If I have received my endowments, I don't even think I'll go. My immediate family can't go and I would feel so bad not having my family there. I know that they made the choices they did but I don't want to be without them. And I know that I have cousins who can't go through the temple. I just don't think it's fair that people are being excluded from this. I love my grandma, but I wish that our family could have a different activity where no one is purposely left out. That probably makes no sense at all, but it does to me.
I have been thinking a lot lately about how I see things so differently than most people. I think that my perception of the world is not even close to anyone else's. I have such different opinions about how the world works, and even the doctrines the LDS church teaches. I mostly keep to myself about those but it's hard sometimes. I don't think I've ever really found anyone I relate to, except for my roommate. And even then, sometimes I feel like she doesn't understand me.
Lately my OCD has gotten pretty bad. I ask the same questions over and over because I have to be sure about something. I know that it gets on my siblings' nerves but it isn't something that I can just get rid of. I struggle so much with it and it's so hard. I am slowly learning to just live with it, and accept the fact that I will have this for the rest of my life. When I go home, I don't always vocalize my anxiety and OCD which makes my anxiety elevate. So I am in a constant hell sometimes. I think I'm afraid to say something because I don't want my siblings and parents to think I'm just being dramatic. But most of the time, all I need is for my Mom or brothers to say, "hey, everything's okay. You'll be fine." I fight with myself so hard sometimes to not do things compulsively that I am almost in tears. When that happens, I usually leave my Mom's house so I can collect myself and not burden anyone. I'm hoping that I can eventually learn a better way to work with my OCD.
It's a little late for me, and I've got to get some sleep. Hopefully, I can write more of what's on my mind later.
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