I've had a pretty good few weeks, even though I still had to work on Saturday. But we got off a little earlier than I thought, so I was happy. My roommate and I left Logan early to go to Salt Lake for the weekend. We went to the Gateway Mall with one of our best friends from high school. It was so much fun! I felt so much better that night just because of the fact that I got to be with friends, relax, and forget about things. We did a lot of shopping and walking around and just got to be carefree again, if only for a few hours.
The next few days of my weekend went even better. I talked with my stepdad on Sunday morning before my Mom came home. That doesn't happen very often but it was very nice for me. Later that night, my brothers came over, kids and wives in tow. I was able to hold my (step) nephew for the first time and I loved it! I also took my nieces and nephew for a walk. It made me realize how grateful I am for them and how much joy they bring to my life.
On Monday, my Mom and I spent quite a bit of time together. It was such a blessing. We ran a few errands and went to lunch. I honestly was sad when it was over. I got to help her around and I didn't mind at all. It just made me realize how much she does for me. I love her so much and I'm so happy she and I were able to be together that day. As I was getting ready to go back to Logan, I was almost in tears. I did not want to go back. It was so hard for me to leave my family, especially my Mom. But I get to spend another weekend with her in just over a week, so I'm super excited for that.
Last night, my roommate and I watched a documentary on teens with obsessive compulsive disorder. I think it gave her a little bit of perspective of what I deal with on a daily basis. I don't have it as bad as a lot of people, but I still struggle with it. During the program, I had a panic attack. I'm not sure if it was because of the show we were watching. It kind of came out of nowhere. It took me a few hours to really calm down enough to go to bed. But I'm glad that society is recognizing that OCD is a real problem and that my roommate was able to see what I deal with.
Today at work, one of my coworkers said that I was depressed. It kind of pissed me off. I'm not depressed. I have depression. It's just something I have; it doesn't define who I am. Same with the anxiety and OCD. I hate how people define me by the diseases I have and deal with. I know that a lot of people don't understand what I'm saying but it makes sense to me. This certain coworker is very airheaded; she doesn't comprehend a lot of things. So maybe I overreacted to what she said when she didn't mean it to be offensive.
I went to the therapist again yesterday. Overall, I've very pleased with the progress I've made. I feel very comfortable with the therapist, which is a big step for me. He and I talked a lot about my anger issues and how I can put some of it behind me. He gave me an assignment that I am a little worried about. He said that I can take my time on it but it needs to be done. I won't really say what it is because I need to work it out in my head first before I share it with people. I have enjoyed my therapy for the most part. It's been so nice for me to be able to get things off my heart and chest. I still have a lot to work through but I know that it will work out in time.
I'm still a little frustrated that the pills haven't had the effect I was hoping for. I'm sure that I haven't given them enough time, but I'm not a patient person. I'm trying to hold out hope and just let things come. It's very hard for me because I always want control of my life. The depression has really made me lose control of it, though. It's my own personal hell and it's the hardest thing I've dealt with. I am really hoping that things will start to improve and I start to feel better about myself and my life.
I really hope that my friends and family read this and see more of what I deal with. I know I don't always make a lot of sense and my thought process is hard to follow. But I'm hoping that someone reads this and understands that they aren't alone. I know a few people that deal with depression and I want them to remember that I've been there too. I may not have the same amount of pain you do, but I've been there. I know the loneliness and pain. It does get better. I'm on the road to recovery and I know that this can be overcome with a lot of optimism and hard work.
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