It has definitely been a few months of huge ups and downs. The holiday season was quite enjoyable: I was able to have a few days of vacation to spend with my family. It was very calming for me to be with them and laugh until it hurt. I had a friend come visit in Salt Lake with me and we had so much fun! I'm so lucky to have great friends and family!
Speaking of family, I've been able to have 2 experiences with family that really touched me. The first one happenend right around Christmas. My dad's sister was in town and I decided to go see her. I was so happy to be able to spend time with her and catch up. Since my dad's death, I don't see that side of the family very often. I'm very grateful for the time I did spend with her. We've talked on the phone a few times and it's been nice to be able to reconnect with her. She has always been very special to me and I'm glad that I was able to talk and laugh with her.
The second experience has been completely different. Two weeks ago, my maternal grandma died. She had a massive stroke that she couldn't recover from. After finding out about the stroke, I immediately left Logan to head to the hospital. I had a very strong feeling that I needed to be there, whether she'd survive or not. The whole drive down, I was worried about her. She's always been so strong and invincible. I couldn't believe what was happening. As my roommate and I pulled into the hospital, it got harder and harder for me to go up to her room. As soon as I walked in, I could see the stress on my Mom's face--that really started the anxiety. My two brothers were also there so we just laughed and stayed for a few hours. The next day, Sunday, I went to the hospital pretty soon after waking up. I couldn't leave. I just knew that I needed to be there and she needed me there. Throughout the day, I'd hold her hand, rub her legs, give her a kiss. I thought a lot about how my life would change when she finally did pass away. As my roommate and I were leaving to go back to work, I had to really convince myself to go. I spent a few moments talking to her, which I'll be eternally grateful for. She wasn't able to respond to me, but I knew she could hear me. I had a great feeling of peace that she wasn't going to be in pain anymore and that I didn't need to worry. The next morning, my Mom called to tell me she had passed away. Words can't describe how I felt. I spent most of the day crying and thinking of the good times.
As the weeks have gone on since her death, I have reflected a lot on my life and how truly blessed I am to have been her grandchild. She was such a wonderful person and made each one of her grandchildren feel special. She was so resilient and had such faith. I can't even find the words to express how I feel about her. I only wish that I can be half of the woman she was. I have such good memories of her that I'll always cherish. We used to do things together every year that I thought every person did with their grandparents. Come to find out, it didn't happen very often. I was very lucky to have those experiences, as little as they may be. She lived such a good and long life. It was very evident from her journals and history how much love she had in her heart for everyone. I feel so lucky to have had her in my life and that she gave me my Mom. I'm so grateful for her example and the love that she's shown me and my family.
My therapist has recently retired, which has been scary for me. I liked him a lot and feel like I made immense progress with him. I'm meeting with a new therapist next week, and I'm quite nervous about it. But I am hopeful for the future and starting to heal from everything.
Work has been absolutely crazy lately. We've been considerably busier than past years, which is wonderful. I've had a lot of overtime, which has helped a lot with bills and various things that needed to be taken care of. I just feel like I have no energy anymore! I came home from church and took a 3 hour nap today, which was amazing. I'm hoping that I'll get used to getting up earlier and working longer.
That's about all that's going on for now. I really need to update this more often!
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