A big step for me!

So obviously it's been a long time since I've written. A lot of it is because I'm lazy and didn't really want to take the time to write. Today, this will change. I have decided to write today because of something that has been weighing heavily on my mind.

My hope before you continue reading this is that you please have a open mind. This may not be something you want to read. It may make you angry and upset. You may never want to talk to me again. But I know that it's better for my own sake to write this. Please understand that I have spent many hours in prayer about this and put more thought in to it than normal.

It's an election year and one huge issue, especially in Utah, has been gay marriage. I've always been supportive of it, sometimes more vocal than others. Recently, I was asked why I'm so passionate about it. Is it because I have gay friends? Partially. But here's the real reason: I'm part of that community. I'm bi-sexual. I've never not known. I never really denied it but I've never been completely open about it. Growing up LDS, I always thought if I admitted it, I would be scorned. The thought that my friends and family could potentially turn their back on me was a huge fear; I was terrified of the reaction I would receive. I was so afraid of being gossiped about and made fun of. And that plagued me for most of my life.

For many years, I struggled to know whether this was a phase I would outgrow or not. Am I normal? Do people know?  Can I overcome it? I asked myself those questions every day. Some days were harder than others, and I wondered if I'd ever feel okay with that part of myself. I really had some days I didn't think I'd survive. I hesitated to tell anyone for fear of their reactions.

As I went on to college, I began to think it was just a phase and I had grown out of it. I met a boy my freshman year that I absolutely adored and I had very strong feelings for. Long story short, things never developed the way I wanted them to. At that time in my life, I was attracted to men, so I was relieved. As the year dragged on, that changed. Of course men were still attractive. But I met a few girls that I felt the same way about. I never pursued anything with them for fear of humiliation.

My best friend and I have lived together for almost 8 years now. She and I really struggled with other roommates, so we decided to leave student housing and do it on our now. Honestly, that was the best decision I have ever made. As time passed, I struggled a lot with mental illness; I met with a wonderful doctor who recommended a therapist. I can say that they both helped to save my life. As I met with the therapist, I talked to him like I had never done to anyone before. As I got more comfortable, I opened up about my sexuality. He showed me nothing but love and concern. He told me that in order to truly love someone else, I had to love myself. I always thought I know what that meant; turns out I didn't have an inkling.

The longer therapy went on, the more I worked on my self esteem. I finally got to a point where I was okay with who I was. I was okay with the fact that I'm not gorgeous, skinny, outgoing, and completely straight. I still have days where I struggle with that, but I have learned that you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.

I finally came out to my best friend and Mother about 6-8 months ago. Immediately after talking to them, I felt a relief that I have never experienced. I felt like God was telling me, "See, Erica, it's okay! You are perfect the way you are. You are loved more than you'll ever know." Both my mom and roommate were extremely supportive, and that has never changed. My mom was a huge strength for me. She said that it didn't matter to her; I was her daughter and she wouldn't stop loving me. Telling my roommate was going to be the hard part. But she was so loving and made sure I knew that she didn't care. I really had to rely on her for strength.

I can't even begin to tell you about the peace and love I felt at the time. I finally felt free of something that I held inside for so long. I knew that my closest friends and family would still love me. Nothing would change. I was so comforted by that and it meant so much to me.

I told a few of my best friends from high school. I knew they were going to be less than thrilled. And I was right. Don't get me wrong, I love those girls. But I know that was hard for them to hear, and it still is. It's become a huge elephant in the room. We all know it's there--maybe if we never talked about it, it would go away. It never will, that is part of me. I've always felt that my relationship with them changed and it will never be the same. I'm okay with that. If they can't accept ALL of me, then maybe I need to accept their insecurity about it (which I have). I don't blame them for being shocked and hurt at first. I would feel the same way. But knowing the peace that I feel about it, I really don't mind that they believe different than I do.

I know that I really risk a lot of relationships with both friends and family. I have really struggled with coming out, but I know that I'm the only one who knows what's best for me. I wish wholeheartedly that I can make you understand that it doesn't change who I am. I hope for you to have compassion for me and give me support. I'm willing to answer all the questions you have. Some of which I'll address now because I know they're going to be common.

When did you know? As I mentioned before, I've never not known. I don't remember waking up one day and going, "oh hey, girls are attractive to me now." It's always been a part of my life. Have I always embraced it? Of course not. But I've learned to love myself because of it.

You live with a girl; isn't she worried about your intentions? Honestly, absolutely not. She has never told me once it makes her uncomfortable, and we are very honest about that with each other. I know my boundaries and she knows that she can't change who I am. She is truly the best friend I could ever ask for and I have confidence that our friendship will continue for many years.

Do you think you'll end up with a female partner? That is a question I can't answer yes or no to. I don't know. That's the beauty of life: my destiny is up to me. I believe that I will end up with a person who I feel comfortable with, knows the best and worst of me, and accepts that. I would love one day to have a family of my own. But I know that I won't have biological children regardless of what gender my partner is.

How can you go against what you were taught to believe this is okay? A lot of it is how I was raised. Trust me, I was raised in the LDS Church. But my mom taught me a lot about tolerance, acceptance, and how we can't judge other people. Do I believe this is sinful? No. I believe this is more about love than sex. The LGBTQ community isn't fighting for "dirty sex". Anyone that believes that is uneducated about what equality really is. I wish that everyone would realize that we are fighting for rights to be accepted as HUMANS. To be able to visit partners in the hospital, help make end of life decisions, and to not be afraid to be rediculed about their love for another human being.

Do I live the gay lifestyle? No, I don't have a girlfriend. But that may change. If and when it does, should it matter? Should it be your business? Does that make me dirty and perverted? It doesn't!! The fact that I am becoming more open about my sexuality means I live with being bi-sexual. It's part of my life. I don't define myself by my sexuality but it's a little piece of who I am as a whole.

As I conclude this post, I want you all to know that I don't take this lightly. A lot of preparation has gone into this decision to come out now. Why I chose to say this on a blog is because I felt like this is the easiest way to say this to the people I love. I know some people will be angry they found out this way; my intention is not to hurt you. It is to let you in to a part of my life that I consider very personal. I don't regret saying this. I hope with all my heart that you can be open minded about this. Please feel free to share your thoughts, feelings, and questions. I will do my best to answer them.