I'm going to go on a tangent about M for a little while. Yes, he hurt me pretty badly, and not just emotionally. Do I ever want to see him again? Absolutely not. But you know, I honestly don't really care anymore. I have a lot of time at work to think things through and this situation came to mind. I thought "Yes, M took some things from me that I can't get back, and they were never his to take." One of the biggest things he took was my sense of security. I still live in fear that he'll find me and it's also hard to trust men. But I also got to thinking that he can't take my dignity or my happiness. Even though this has been so hard for me, I am still a great person and I deserve to be happy. It's taken me a long time to realize that. I am a stronger person because of what I've gone through, so I still have some dignity and pride. I also got to thinking that I learned a lot from this experience that I can now use to better myself and those around me. I know that I still have a long road of recovery from this, but I know that I can do it.
I think the things that has been so hard for me is not understanding him. Why would you tell someone they were fat and bald? And why would you say one thing and then 5 minutes later, say another thing? I have never understood him and why he's said the things he did. But I'm starting to realize that I have to come to peace with the fact that I'll never know his reasons. I am slowly getting used to that idea, though I still have days when I get frustrated.
I've also been thinking lately about my depression and how much has changed since I was diagnosed with it. I still have days that are difficult but I've felt much better overall. I have noticed a big difference (as has my roommate) in my mood. I am much happier and easier to get along with. I am also able to better control my emotions, especially anger. I think the biggest difference for me is that I'm starting to gain faith and confidence in myself. I know that I can overcome this depression and that I'm strong enough to handle what comes my way. I refuse to let this depression take over my life and kick me when I'm down. I still have ups and downs but I think I'm over the worst part; I've gotten help and I'm still going to therapy. I've also started to realize that I can't always do things by myself. I do need help with things and I used to hate asking for that help. But I know that my friends and family want the best for me and will do anything to help me succeed.
The hardest thing to come to terms with is my anxiety. It's so hard for me to tell people when I have anxiety. I think it's mostly because I'm embarrassed. I don't want people to think I'm just trying to get attention or over reacting to a situation. I'm learning things in therapy about how to best overcome the anxiety and be more comfortable in my own skin.
Basketball season is starting and I'm super excited for that, even though I can't afford to attend the games. But I still cheer on the Aggies. This time of year will definitely give me a lot to look forward to.
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